To Draw or Not to Draw

It's a crazy thing, ADHD. ADHD will tell me that even if I'm being productive towards a goal I have, I'm still being unproductive overall because it doesn't work towards my ultimate goals, or because it doesn't make me money. Back when I was in school, it didn't matter if something I painted made me money, all that mattered was that if it was for school, it fulfilled the prompt, and if not, that it was made during "off time."

Now, unless I'm working on a commission, all of my time is "off time." And yet, I feel like something as out of my control as getting hired for a job that is most likely feigning growth by posting listings, is still more important than working on something I care about.

I can apply all day and night, but I still can't get myself to paint something that's meant to be for me, and also be good enough for my portfolio.

As soon as I have a commission though, all hands on deck, I can't get myself to do anything other than work. When someone else is relying on me, it's so easy. But to get what I want, I have to rely on myself, or find a partner that relies on me, which is harder somehow. No one wants to rely on anyone nowadays. Some people want to help you make your dream come true, but don't know how to help in the first place, or don't actually want to fulfill the role you need help in.

And therein lies the problem, I don't want to fulfill that role either, because the last time I did, I had an existential crisis.

Become more hirable, means forsaking all of my schooling, all of my effort, just to finally cave in.

To finally, become a coder.